My Thoughts & A Little Prayer…

Over the past few days, I have been struggling with my world. This supposably amazing world that allows us to dream big, allows us to have the freedom of speech, to make our own choices, to raise our children to love thy neighbor. To go to school to learn and become doctors, engineers, lawyers...teachers. I am struggling because I (and I am sure I am no different than most mothers, fathers, grandmothers, friends, sisters, brothers) I am having a hard time comprehending what unfolded on Friday morning in Newtown, CT. I am struggling to find the right words to say, the right feelings to feel, the right time to cry. I am struggling to be okay with a god that can take 20 innocent children, who have only had BIG dreams and never got the chance to live them out. I am struggling. 

I can't seem to stay away from the news reports, the pictures of the sweet little children and the six adults who lost their lives that day. I keep going back, I read, I watch, I cry. I hug my two children tighter. I read the thoughts, prayers, and poems people are posting on facebook. Some give me comfort, others upset me. I wish I could give every single one of those mothers a hug, I wouldn't even say anything, just a hug. From one mother to another, because I can't begin to comprehend the words that would need to be said, I am not sure there are any. 

I don't live in Newtown, CT. I wasn't there. I didn't have a child that was in a school on lockdown on Friday. What I feel doesn't even come close to what those people of that town felt and are feeling. BUT I do have a kindergartner. A five year old who LOVES going to school, who loves her friends, who doesn't know anything of what happened on Friday. Because she hasn't asked, I haven't told. I can't bare to break her sweet little heart of the hate and evil in this world. I want her to still LOVE school, it's a safe place to her, it should be a safe place, Sandy Hook Elementary should have been a safe place. My five year old is what is going to help me not struggle so much with this, because for her my job as her mother is to make sure she does DREAM BIG! To make sure she is strong and sticks up for what SHE believes in, to make her own choices, and to love thy neighbor, to go to school, and one day become a doctor, an engineer, a lawyer or a teacher who would risk her life for her students, because that is how I raised her to be. I am blessed because I still have this right, this chance as her mother to be able to guide her to be all of those things. The mothers of those 20 beautiful children got that right taken from them on Friday morning. So I will continue to think of them, to prayer for them, to struggle with them, in hopes that someday it can hurt a little less, and regardless of what form of religion you believe in, they will see their darling little children one day once again. 

Avah age 5 - Derek age 2 

Dear Avah,

This morning, you woke up around 8:30. I was sitting in my office, and I saw you out of the corner of my eye, my beautiful, blonde hair, blue eyed (sleepy) little girl. 

You didn't say much to me, you didn't ask for daddy which is what you do most mornings you just wondered over to me, curled up on my lap and just sat there, completely content, 
and you let me hold you. 

It was probably only five minutes, but it was the best five minutes of my day. 

I sat there, listening to you breathe, the sweet song playing in the background, and I thought about the day you were born, the first time you walked, the first time I heard you say mommy, the first time you grabbed for my hand first. I thought about how much LOVE you have for LIFE, how happy you are, how much you LOVE school, dancing, acting. 

What an amazing big sister you are to your brother Derek, 

and oh, the love you have for your daddy, it's something that just makes my heart melt. 

I sat and held you, my five year old, who at that moment wasn't my big girl, you were my baby again, for five short minutes. But it's five short minutes I will cherish and remember always. It's rare I get moments like that with you. 

See, you and I have a special relationship. I think we are a lot a like you and I, and I love that about us. BUT it causes us to argue a bit more than I would like at this age in your life. I try hard to pick my battles with you, because Avah, you are my very strong, dependent little girl. The spark you have in yourself is something I hope stays with you forever! I will do my best to make sure that spark never dies. 

I love that you have the daddy you have. The two of you have the most extraordinary bond. It's something that I know you two will share for the rest of your life. You are a lot like daddy too, you get your smarty math skills from him, and you get your artistic, creative skills from me. So I absolutely have NO DOUBT that you will go far in life. 

I can't wait to watch every moment of it, but for now, can you just stay my little five year old, that curls up on my lap and lets me hold her, even if it's for just five short minutes?

Love, 

Mommy

song playing in the background @8:30 am - I won't give up, Jason Mraz

From now on, You bet I'll be in the picture…

Ok! So I have admitted before on various occasions that I am a total social media junky! Obsessed with FB, Instagram, blogging, you name it, I am on it!! The other day a friend shared an article on FB, and it reminded me why I just love FB - yes sometimes it can be annoying, seeing posts from people about politics, religion etc. That totally drives me crazy, (don't tell anyone, but those people usually get hidden for the month of Oct - Election day!) Anyway - back to the matter at hand! My friend shared this article and let's be honest, anything that has to do with being a mom, I usually read - so I clicked on the article, and before I new it, I had a puddle of tears on my desk, and I looked like I had two black eyes from the mass of mascara running down my face. Before you keep reading, you should click on the this link and see what I am talking about!

You are totally bawling now, right? If you aren't, something is very wrong with you (or maybe you just aren't an overweight mommy that hates to be in pictures.) So here's the thing, I struggle with my weight, every since I had Avah, I have been the heaviest I have ever been in my life. I hate pictures, HATE them! Reading this article really put it in perspective for me. I don't want my kids to look back and wonder where I am in every picture. Why do they only have pictures with daddy, and why are there NO pictures of mommy and daddy together! It's just not going to happen! So I am done being self conscience about what I look like, I am done hating pictures of me that are with my kids, because the truth is, I do want my kids to see that I was apart of there lives, and that we had so much fun together! Besides, I know I want be this way forever, and my kids will be able to see how hard I worked to be a healthier, better, stronger mommy!! So here's to “The Mom that Stays in the Picture” and to my kids that I love so much! You make me what I am today, and I love you to bits and pieces!

9…

NINE YEARS! Yup... that went super quick. I mean seriously...what the hell! It feels like yesterday I was getting ready to say “I do” for the first time, and the last. See I know I will always be with this man. He is the love of my life. 

Sure we have our struggles, our fights, our makeups, but here is the thing about us... we always figure it out, we always come up stronger, we always, always forgive and move on. We try hard everyday! It's so worth it. I know the two of us will always keep trying, and work extra hard because we know both of us are worth it. I am so thankful for the life he has given me and continues to make it better! He has given me two beautiful, amazing children, and he is truly the most amazing dad! and if I am being honest, the MOST amazing husband. So basically what I am saying in this super short post of mine is...

I am a pretty lucky girl living in this world with this man and this life!! 

Love you Vinny!

Aggie Football…

We are HUGE USU Aggie fans around here, it's in our blood and we love game day! It was homecoming weekend and did it up in style…

1. Went to the homecoming parade.
2. Prepared for the “White Out” 
3. Pictures on the “A” 
4. Awesome Lunch with friends
5. A little shopping with my long time friend Jessi
6. Game Time!!

We had such fun weekend. It ended with a WIN! USU 35 UNLV 13!

Jessi and all of the kiddos (this girl knows how to do a parade!)

My cute brother Max - holding the little boys! Austin & Derek 

Holy Cuteness!

Jack, Austin, Derek, Addison and Avah

Max and Jack

The Dowdy's

US!

GAME TIME…

Love this boy!

Avah Louize!

First ever WHITE OUT at Romney Stadium! It was awesome!

My cute girl!

Austin! (the sweetest boy!)

Forever Friends…

I love friends! Especially friends that you've had since you were a child, who you were close with, and then not so much. But it doesn't really matter that you don't talk everyday, because when your together, nothing really changes! I have that kind of friend, and this weekend we were able to spend almost 24 hours together! Jessi and her ADORABLE and I am serious when I say ADORABLE family came to Logan this weekend to go to USU Homecoming game. We had a blast! The kids got to play, the adults got to hang out, talk and laugh, and we all got to watch some Awesome Aggie Football! It was a great weekend, and I think it needs to happen MORE often! 

 It really doesn't get any cuter than this! Derek, Austin, Addison and Avah

This is totally Jessi! She is one of the happiest, sweetest people I know!

Jack, Derek, Avah and Addison! (missing Austin)

My BFF!

The boys! Paul, Max and Vin

Derek Dom! (and cute Austin to the left)

Roasted Marsh mellows at a parade = GENIUS!

Thanks Dowdy family for coming up and playing with us! We just love you guys!

Sometimes I can ALMOST be a super-mom…

…sometimes. I say almost because it's never 100%. I mean let's be honest, that is nearly impossible! Especially when I get up at 5:30 a.m. to go workout, (when I am not having organs being surgically removed from my body) come home, rush to get myself somewhat put together. Shuffle jammy dressed kids out the door just in time for me to get my ass sitting at my desk by 8:30! Work 7-8 hours, go pick up kids from the babysitter, make sure homework is done, get dinner on the table and then bedtime. Let me tell you a little secret...ready, bedtime sucks at our house. Both our kids hate going to sleep by themselves. So it's usually Vin with Avah and myself laying on the floor in Derek's room. On the rare occasion Derek would rather have his daddy, which is fine with me cause I would rather lay in a bed then on the floor! We really need to nip this in the behind. (but honestly, that's the last thing I want to do at night time is fight with kids to go to sleep on their own - so we complain, and hope it wont be an hour before we are out...and continue to do it. Probably because we love them so much!)

So back to me trying to be a super-mom. I wish this was easier to come by. Because all I would like in life right now is a clean home, happy kids, happy husband, and of course happy me. But being a working mom is taking a HUGE toll on that tiny little dream of mine. I love my job. Love the people I work with. HOWEVER! Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it, you know being a career woman and all! I think it's good for my kids to see it, and again I love what I do. BUT I really want to be an awesome mom. So yesterday in my midst of trying to be super-mom. In the four hours I had before I went to work, I managed to dust, vacuum, clean the kitchen, clean the living room, AND I even managed to get a few Halloween decorations out. did I mention that I also took two cute little girls to dance, and went grocery shopping with my very tired little boy too! Yup! That was me yesterday morning! So I was feeling pretty good, right up until I had to take my sweet little kids to daycare. 

Here's the thing about daycare. WE HAVE THE BEST DAYCARE! I am not even kidding. I couldn't ask for a better place for my kids to be each day. Melissa is the sweetest, most caring person I know. She loves my kids like her own. She has the cutest family, and really I don't consider them as “the people who watch my kids” they are like family to me. My kids love it too! Derek probably the most. So generally Avah goes to school in the afternoons, but yesterday she didn't have school. When we got to Melissa's she was fine, until she realized she was staying and not going to school. Then came the water works! She was hysterical. So upset, and literally my heart started to break. If the crying alone wasn't enough. Through her sopped wet face, and huge breaths I hear “all I want to do is stay home with you, make pumpkin bread, and decorate for halloween.” YUP! Did you hear it too? My heart crumbled into a million pieces, and it took all I had not to fall to the ground and join her in her sob story! It was the absolute worst! Because I was now late for work, I had to gather up whatever was left of me and shut the door behind me to the sounds of her balling. So of course the next fifteen minutes I spent in the car was me crying just as hard as Avah. So much for thinking I had pulled off the super-mom card! UGH! 

It's tough, I hope someday that I get to be there for my kids 100%. I am thankful I have a job, I am thankful I have a husband who works every single day to try to be better at his career, so he can make more money just so I can wear my cape and be a super-mom daily! Until then, you can bet that on Sunday my sweet little girl of mine will be in the kitchen making pumpkin bread and whatever else her little heart desires! 

I have such good kids, while I clean they watch shows and color! 

I was able to get a little halloween stuff out! 

Her LOVE for gymnastics…

The summer olympics brought out the inner gymnast in this little girl! We had her in gymnastics last year, but I wasn't happy with the company I put her in, so this year we took her to Altuis, it's so much better! There is more discipline and structure, and Avah loves it. She goes four hours a week (2 days, 2 hours), it's been really great for her!! I think she has a lot of potential of being a great little athlete! It's hard to know when to push and when to back off. She loves doing handstands, and does them whenever possible! I love that she understands that when you practice something, you will eventually be able to do it, perfect! Love her!!

Turning FIVE!

This little girl is becoming quite the young little lady! I am so proud of her, and all of the things she is willing to try and accomplish, and can you believe that she is in Kindergarten! Seriously! I have a five year old that started kindergarten this year. It's unbelievable to me, how fast life goes.

We started off the summer with her 5th birthday party! We had a pajama's and pancake themed party! I have to say it was a success! The kids arrived in there pj's and had pancakes, read stories, got little blankets as party favors, it was a blast!! A perfect way to start her 5th year of this amazing life!

not a very good pic, but this is her invite!

Cute, cute Archer!

fruit loop necklaces!

fleece blankets for the guests

story time by Miss Reagan

all the cute party guests!! what a fun group of kids!

Blowing out the candles

Make a wish, my sweet girl.

center pieces!

Busy Summer…

…very busy! Honestly I can't believe how fast the summer went! It was fun, busy, and HOT! Actually even though we are getting into my favorite time of year, it's still pretty hot, today 9.9.12 it's supposed to get in the 90's. I need my sweater weather!! Where are you?

We did a lot of fun things this summer, went to the dam and the lake, had a lot of BBQ's with friends and family, we even headed to Idaho and went to our first barn dance! We ended the summer (and start to fall) with a fun trip to the zoo!

Lots of fun playing in the sand and water!!

 We love baseball (and really all sports) in this family!

Barn Dance, it was a lot of fun! I think we would totally do it again!

 

Hogle Zoo! Sept. 2012!